The Identity Fallacy
This is just who I am.
How many of us use that phrase as an excuse to maintain the status quo. To justify our missteps and poor behavior.
"No, I can't confront this situation, I'm not brave. This is just who I am."
"I wish I were healthier, but I've never been good at exercising and eating right. This is just who I am."
"I wish I were... but this is just who I am."
"I wish I could...but this is just who I am."
"I would do it, but...this is just who I am."
Who determines who I am?
Isn't who I am in my hands? And isn't who I am constantly evolving? Changing? Developing?
It's up to us if that evolution is positive or negative. I don't believe there's any such thing as stagnation when it comes to our characters. If we're not doing anything, not going forward, then we're probably backtracking. It's like still water. It doesn't stay pure, fresh. It begins to collect silt and dust, it dirties, it evaporates. It changes. And it worstens.
So, if we constantly justify ourselves by saying we can't do something because it's not who we are, then we're really missing out on the whole point of life, aren't we? Which is to improve. To strive every day to be better than we were yesterday. To challenge ourselves and push ourselves harder.
And how many wonderful opportunities do we waste because we believe ourselves incapable of rising to the occasion?
Recently, there was a situation which was kind of gnawing at me. Some missteps. A lot of regret. Feeling that I would just have to "do better next time."But then a wonderful thing happened. An old friend came through Haifa on pilgrimage. We filled each other in on our lives and I explained the situation and she asked me why on earth I would "wait until next time." She encouraged me to do better this time. But I told her it was too late. Too many mistakes. I couldn't do it. That was just...who I am.
And she basically said, Nava, are you dead?
"No..."
"Then you can change it. And, what do you mean, this is who you are? You determine who you are. Your actions determine who you are. If you rectify the situation, that's who you are."
We spoke for hours and by the end of the night I knew she was right. Knew it was going to be hard and maybe even uncomfortable, but as she pointed out "if it were easy, it wouldn't be your test. It's not supposed to be easy. But that doesn't mean you can't do it."
How right she was.
A small and simple thing, really. But I almost feel like it has lent me a whole new lease on life, as grandiose as that all sounds. Whenever I start to slip back into the old behavior, I remind myself- this is NOT who I am.
So this whole, "I am who I am and that's that" is such a fallacy. We are always changing. Who we are this week isn't necessarily who we were 2 weeks ago. Certainly not who we were five years ago. Every day we're faced with a choice. To be better or to be the same. To improve or to worsen. To settle or to recognize what needs work. To give up or to strive.
To strive...Always to strive.
How many of us use that phrase as an excuse to maintain the status quo. To justify our missteps and poor behavior.
"No, I can't confront this situation, I'm not brave. This is just who I am."
"I wish I were healthier, but I've never been good at exercising and eating right. This is just who I am."
"I wish I were... but this is just who I am."
"I wish I could...but this is just who I am."
"I would do it, but...this is just who I am."
Who determines who I am?
Isn't who I am in my hands? And isn't who I am constantly evolving? Changing? Developing?
It's up to us if that evolution is positive or negative. I don't believe there's any such thing as stagnation when it comes to our characters. If we're not doing anything, not going forward, then we're probably backtracking. It's like still water. It doesn't stay pure, fresh. It begins to collect silt and dust, it dirties, it evaporates. It changes. And it worstens.
So, if we constantly justify ourselves by saying we can't do something because it's not who we are, then we're really missing out on the whole point of life, aren't we? Which is to improve. To strive every day to be better than we were yesterday. To challenge ourselves and push ourselves harder.
And how many wonderful opportunities do we waste because we believe ourselves incapable of rising to the occasion?
Recently, there was a situation which was kind of gnawing at me. Some missteps. A lot of regret. Feeling that I would just have to "do better next time."But then a wonderful thing happened. An old friend came through Haifa on pilgrimage. We filled each other in on our lives and I explained the situation and she asked me why on earth I would "wait until next time." She encouraged me to do better this time. But I told her it was too late. Too many mistakes. I couldn't do it. That was just...who I am.
And she basically said, Nava, are you dead?
"No..."
"Then you can change it. And, what do you mean, this is who you are? You determine who you are. Your actions determine who you are. If you rectify the situation, that's who you are."
We spoke for hours and by the end of the night I knew she was right. Knew it was going to be hard and maybe even uncomfortable, but as she pointed out "if it were easy, it wouldn't be your test. It's not supposed to be easy. But that doesn't mean you can't do it."
How right she was.
A small and simple thing, really. But I almost feel like it has lent me a whole new lease on life, as grandiose as that all sounds. Whenever I start to slip back into the old behavior, I remind myself- this is NOT who I am.
So this whole, "I am who I am and that's that" is such a fallacy. We are always changing. Who we are this week isn't necessarily who we were 2 weeks ago. Certainly not who we were five years ago. Every day we're faced with a choice. To be better or to be the same. To improve or to worsen. To settle or to recognize what needs work. To give up or to strive.
To strive...Always to strive.
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