The Moment Won't Come Again
The first short story I ever wrote went by the same title as this blog post. A line out of a song I couldn't get out of my head the semester I wrote it.
The story was about a girl who liked a boy but was too scared from past foibles to act on it. And these moments just kept passing them by. I think I even went with a pessimistic ending on it.
It's funny how fiction imitates life and life inspires fiction and then somehow it's all cyclical. At the time, I did actually "go for it" but it didn't really amount to much. A little painful, but probably the right decision. I think ultimately the things you regret the most in this life are the ones you don't do. The what ifs.
Failure is embarassing. Painful. But regret is gnawing. Lingering. It doesn't ever really go away, does it?
So even though the story was about a boy and a girl, I find myself thinking about that line a lot. The moment won't come again. It's not always romantic. There are so many opportunities we don't seize. Things we never try because we're too scared. Lazy.
I think about the moment on my pilgrimage- on the last day- that I consecrated myself to this decision- applying to come here. And if I hadn't seized the moment- had thought things through too much, had even listened to the advice of some well-intentioned people in my life- I wouldn't be here. I guess no one but me knows what that actually means to my life, but being here is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I know it with every fibre of my being.
But I think of all the other moments in life that have passed me by. The moments that are passing me by. Such as...being here. There is so much you can do here- so many ways to spend your time- meaningfully- that it's a wonder any of us ever watches a tv show or wastes time on the internet (ahem) and yet...many of us do. And I think to myself, if I leave this place the same as when I got here- if my affinities and hobbies and modes of thought are all the same, I will never forgive myself. I will never forgive myself. Because that would be the worst regret of them all. To know I was so close to the fire, but didn't kindle my own flame.
I dont really know how to explain it. But this thought weighs heavily on me. And yet I still waste time.
Ayyy.
The story was about a girl who liked a boy but was too scared from past foibles to act on it. And these moments just kept passing them by. I think I even went with a pessimistic ending on it.
It's funny how fiction imitates life and life inspires fiction and then somehow it's all cyclical. At the time, I did actually "go for it" but it didn't really amount to much. A little painful, but probably the right decision. I think ultimately the things you regret the most in this life are the ones you don't do. The what ifs.
Failure is embarassing. Painful. But regret is gnawing. Lingering. It doesn't ever really go away, does it?
So even though the story was about a boy and a girl, I find myself thinking about that line a lot. The moment won't come again. It's not always romantic. There are so many opportunities we don't seize. Things we never try because we're too scared. Lazy.
I think about the moment on my pilgrimage- on the last day- that I consecrated myself to this decision- applying to come here. And if I hadn't seized the moment- had thought things through too much, had even listened to the advice of some well-intentioned people in my life- I wouldn't be here. I guess no one but me knows what that actually means to my life, but being here is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I know it with every fibre of my being.
But I think of all the other moments in life that have passed me by. The moments that are passing me by. Such as...being here. There is so much you can do here- so many ways to spend your time- meaningfully- that it's a wonder any of us ever watches a tv show or wastes time on the internet (ahem) and yet...many of us do. And I think to myself, if I leave this place the same as when I got here- if my affinities and hobbies and modes of thought are all the same, I will never forgive myself. I will never forgive myself. Because that would be the worst regret of them all. To know I was so close to the fire, but didn't kindle my own flame.
I dont really know how to explain it. But this thought weighs heavily on me. And yet I still waste time.
Ayyy.
Comments
First, in being cliche
"I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not."
- Lucille Ball
And paraphrasing... Have no regrets, because at one point that is exactly what you wanted.
Nava - I have no doubt that you will come back from your time away - changed and I'm sure it will be for the better. We miss you here in the states, but I too have no doubt that you are where you're supposed to be. Sometimes you do need those breaks (what you called wasting time) - just to let everything else that is going on around you to sink in and really make it's impact. It's impossible to be doing something all the time. But do seize the day and make the most of your journey. I know you are.
But, I agree with Jmoneydawg in that you can't be doing something all the time, and that it's natural and even necessary to take breaks...sometimes I think without downtime or taking the time out to just relax and enjoy friends, etc, it's easy to get almost too caught up in the big stuff and forget to really think about how we are changing. I think as long as we don't let the breaks interfere with the important stuff, it's ok. Who knows...