Tout est nouveau

(Pictures courtesy Sholeh Loehle)

Earlier today I did something totally different and new. I went paintballing. I know, not terribly exciting. But it was quite an accomplishment for me. I was supposed to go in August but ended up freaking out at the last minute and canceling. So I signed up for today's events, a little hesitant, but determined to follow through. And I did and I loved it! At first I was mildly horrified, especially when we got there, and I saw the guns were real, and the instructor stressed 27 times that we could NOT take off our masks under any condition, etc etc. Ana and I walked out onto the first course in silence and then she finally giggled and whispered, I'm nervous, and I shrieked, ME TOO! Feeling so relieved that I wasn't the only one. Once we got out there, though, and the "games" began I relaxed a little. Then I got shot in the shoulder and it hurt so much- for about 2 seconds- and that was it. The rest of the shots were were less painful because the initial shock was gone, I think, and it was totally fine. Fun, actually. I had such a good time. (I even have a few welts and bruises on my arm, which for some reason, I am really pleased about. haha.) It was so nice to get out and do something so different, with such a big crowd (28 of us), and more than that, to do something so untypically me. Every day here, I realize that "me" is a very maleable thing, and that's not bad.

Just because I have typically been one way growing up doesn't mean I can't change, right? This realization came to a head in the face of a different situation as well. When I first got here, I remember in our orientation Mr. Grossman told us that we get tested here. More specifically, we really get tested in our weakest areas in an intense way. It's so beautiful, though, that God would do that, because what better place to be able to grow and change? We have access to the Shrines- to the spiritual energies encircling this most Holy land, these most Sacred spots; we have no shortage of deepenings and classes to join to learn about profoundly spiritual matters; we have every day of service to help teach us what it means to really have an outward orientation; and we have staff members from so many countries in the world to enrich our knowledge and understanding of this little blue planet.

Anyway, over the past 7 months (i know, it's been 7 months!) I've realized that a lot of the areas I thought I was weak in are actually strengths, and areas that I never even considered as being problematic have actually been neglected or completely overlooked.

I realized, for instance, that my trust in God, and my patience were/are two areas that I have really been struggling with, so this one test that keeps coming over and over again is one that I haven't learned the right things from.

But this morning I was faced with a small, really small, and subtle decision, and I hesitated for a bout 30 minutes...and then I said a silent prayer and made the right choice. And I knew I made the right choice. And the rest of the day I had a smile on my face, not because of the outcome of the decision (although it was good) but because 7 months ago I would have made the wrong choice. Small, subtle, and wrong.

Growth- a beautiful thing.

I really feel like this place facilitates growth and change like nowhere else. The mountain, the people...all things made new.

I'm happy:)